Affirmations and Worthiness Wounds

A worthiness wound is a deeply held belief that we are in some way inadequate, less than, or broken. Its origins lie deep in our childhoods, where we were likely made to feel inadequate and unworthy.

For me, I think my wound comes from feeling abandoned by my father and often not prioritized by my mother. Don’t get me wrong, my mother was a wonderful loving person, and to this day, I remember her with love. But she was also a single working mother, and frequently wasn’t able to spend the time with me she probably would have wanted. In addition, when I was young (7), she remarried, and a lot of her time and energy went into my new stepfamily and trying to bring peace to a turbulent environment.

By the time my sexual abuse started, I already felt unimportant to the people around me. The shame from my abuse only drove me further from them. I feared that if I spoke up, my stepfather would abandon me and choose his biological son to believe instead of me. I knew my mother would believe me — but felt like her happiness in her new marriage was more important than I was.

As a result, I have always had a very low self-esteem. I don’t consider myself or my needs important. I’ve become a caretaker and a people-pleaser, always sacrificing for other people that I care about. The funny thing is: at this point, I intellectually know that I’m not a terrible guy. In fact, I think that objectively, you might even say that I’m a good guy.

That’s just not how my brain works inside, though. I always feel like I’m not good enough. Not good enough for the people I’m with. Not good enough for my partner. Not a good enough dad for my kids. Not a good enough friend. Why is it that I cannot believe that I am worthy of their love? That I’m enough? I don’t have an answer yet, but I do know that it needs to change.

So, I’m going to start writing down and journaling the things I know and like about myself, in hopes that, with enough repetition, these beliefs will start to take hold in my heart and become part of my core beliefs about myself.

Things I know to be true about myself

1. I am intelligent, bright and curious.  I pay attention to the world and communities I live in.
2. I am funny, goofy and witty.  I do not take myself too seriously.
3. I care deeply about my children.  I love them and communicate that love unsparingly.
4. I am good at communication.  I listen, I pay attention, and I consider my words carefully.  I do not often lose my temper.  I try to practice non-violent communication.  I give my full attention to people I am interacting with. I’m well-spoken.
5. I communicate and express my love to my partner regularly and clearly.  I speak all five love languages.  I like to express myself romantically.
6. I am working to become healthier.  The decisions I am making are geared towards that goal.
7. I am sensitive and empathic.  I want to help when people are hurting, either by helping to find solutions or just listening.  I am considerate of other people’s feelings.
8. My eyes are quite nice.  So are my calves. My hands have gotten a lot of compliments. (Everything in-between I feel very “meh” about.)
9. I am tough and resilient.  I have endured great grief and survived.  I know that I can do so again in the future if necessary.
10. I am responsible and accountable. I apologize. I don’t victim blame. I own my mistakes.

Are these enough? Do they make me rise above decent? To be perfectly honest, I’ve never considered myself anything or anyone special, and when others have praised me, I find it very difficult to accept. Can I find more items to add to this list?

I think starting to internalize my belief in the qualities I have will help me feel more secure in myself. I’m not there yet, and I am constantly wondering when my partner and friends will realize I’m just a fraud and leave me. (My kids are kind of stuck with me, although one of them has already broken contact with me. I suppose the rest could eventually, too.)

Every journey, whether around the block or a million miles, starts with a single step. Listing these is my first step. Hopefully, I can come back to this to add more in the future, and I can re-read them to remind myself that I am worthy of love.