Anyone who has read this blog probably would agree that the core values that are most important to me are humility, honesty, compassion and self-sacrifice, in some order. Unfortunately, valuing humility and self-sacrifice as much as I do doesn’t exactly lead to high self-esteem. By their very nature, they mean that I do not put myself over other people; instead, I tend to think of other people as more important than I am.
I’ve struggled for my entire life with low self-esteem, largely because of my childhood and early teenage years. I was ashamed, unattractive, unpopular at some of the most formative years of my life. Toxic humility was sort of baked into me at that age.
As I’ve been thinking more about my history and re-contextualizing it with an eye towards being more compassionate to my younger self, I’m starting to see things in a new light. And last night, as I was drifting off to sleep, I had a bit of a revelation.
As I mentioned, I value humility, honesty, compassion and self-sacrifice. And if I look at my life honestly, I have to admit that I have tried to reflect those core values to everyone around me. For my whole life. And often to my own detriment. And if it’s true that I reflect the values that matter most to me, then… doesn’t that mean that I think I’ve lived a “good” life, at least to my own inner set of morals? And shouldn’t I consider that admirable in myself?
I mean, I’ll probably never be comfortable with a comparison that puts me above anyone else. I think that I could evaluate myself not in comparison to others, but in comparison to the things that matter most to me. I do believe that I’m honest, humble and empathic. That I model compassion and love and care to the people important to me and the people I haven’t had a chance to get to know yet. Acts of service is one of my primary love languages. And so if all of that is true — and I do believe it is — then I can be proud of myself and more comfortable that I have value and purpose in life.
To be perfectly frank, my late night thinkings are much more likely to be doom spirals of shame and disgust, so this was a nice change of pace. Maybe my humility doesn’t need to be toxic forever.
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