I’ve recently come to believe that I am codependent. I’ve started going to Codependents Anonymous meetings, and it’s helping me. I’m working through the thirty questions in a group called the Power of Five, along with four other group members. I won’t refer to them by name to preserve their anonymity, but I am planning to post the questions and my responses here.
Q1. What is the first time you can remember codependent events happening in your life? Have you lost any time, money, or energy due to unhealthy relationships? Write a brief history of your codependency. Discuss what help you have sought for these problems and your attempts to solve them on your own.
I remember always feeling compelled to be in a romantic relationship, even when I was young. I wound up dating a woman 25 years my senior while I was still a minor and having sex with her. I wanted love, but she was not a fit for that. That’s probably the first time I recall a specific codependent EVENT.
I’ve been married twice to women because of my codependent need to be in a relationship. They were both disasters. The divorces cost me dearly both financially and emotionally. Between the two marriages (my 2nd and 3rd), I spent 13 years mostly in unhappy, unfulfilling relationships.
My second marriage, entered into while I was still grieving the loss of my first wife, hurt my oldest biological son severely, and the third marriage only made it worse. I’m not sure if I’ll ever have a healthy, happy relationship with him.
In between, I had periods when I was very promiscuous, sexually. The compulsion to be in a relationship has pushed me to be in mostly bad relationships that did not meet my real needs, only my codependent needs. I’ve had more success in leaving relationships since my third marriage ended.
I’m sure my codependence cost me my last relationship, at least to some extent. She cited it in one of the letters she wrote me, but then left me before I had time to do any healing. Still, I’m grateful to her that she pointed it out, so I can see my patterns.
I’ve definitely struggled to start and complete some work projects. It’s difficult to say for sure, but that may have resulted in my being denied for promotions and raises.
I also have no relationship with my remaining family. I don’t know how much of that could be blamed on codependence, though.
Total damages: 13 years, tens of thousands of dollars, one son.
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