CODA, 30Q: Q2

Read Step One on pages 28-33 in the CoDA blue book. Discuss and reflect upon the effect that codependency has had on you over the years. Answer the fifteen questions on
pages 30-31 to the best of your ability in the time allowed.

Do you see that you have been involved in codependent relationships?

Do you truly see that you are a codependent?

Are you willing to change?

Yes, hell yes, and yes.

From Page 30-31, 15 questions:

What neglect and abuse did I experience growing up?

I was neglected by both my biological father and my step father. Both of them made it very clear to me that I was not as important as their other children. Additionally, I was sexually abused for several years by my older stepsister and one of my stepbrothers. Consequently, I learned that I was not important in general, and that my ability to connect with people depended on my ability to please them.

Where did I learn to turn my head when I and/ or other people were being neglected or abused, and why?

I was afraid to reveal to my mother and stepfather that I was being abused, because I knew that it would hurt their relationship, and that my stepfather would likely side with his other children, even when I was the one being hurt. He felt deeply responsible for them because he was not a good father to them when they were younger.

Who in my childhood displayed these behaviors or instructed me not to tell or share my feelings about it?

My abusers told me not to tell anyone. Later, I felt great shame for having not done something sooner.

Where did I learn that avoiding others was safer than being involved?

I would hide in my room a lot as a kid, especially when my mother was arguing with my stepsiblings. As I grew up, I was often alone because both of my immediate parents worked, and my father lived on the other side of the United States.

Where did I learn to control others for my sense of well-being ?

I don’t think I leanred to control others, but I did learn that I needed to make myself valuable to others so that I would deserve their time and attention.

How did I learn that I wasn’t good enough or was better than others?

It was pretty explicit. My father remarried, adopted his two stepsons, and had two daughters with his second wife. When I visited them, I was the alien outsider. I would be chided for asking for small gifts, while they received far more valuable ones. I remember one year I visited my father on spring break, which is near my birthday. My mom gave me $20 for the flight (I was travelling unattended from Alaska to Virginia), which I was proud I did not spend. I gave it to my father for safe-keeping. On the way home, we stopped at a toy store and he bought me a Lego set for my birthday present (roughly $30). When it was time for me to go home, I asked for the $20 bill back, and he told me, “well, that was your birthday present.” The same year, he bought one of my younger stepbrothers a $300 trampoline for his birthday. I would often get birthday cards postmarked a week after my birthday, which told me I was an afterthought. I would often go months without hearing from him, on the phone or by post.

My stepfather felt guilty about being a bad father, so he would lavish gifts and attention on his biological kids. He was nice to me, and not mean in any way, but I would not get the attention they did. I would buy my own computers, but he would buy them expensive ones for their Christmas presents. I never received anything as lavish from him. He was present for most of my important moments, like high school graduation. I definitely felt like a second-class citizen, though.

When, where and how did I learn to deny my own thoughts, feelings and needs for the sake of others or, conversely, to demand that the world revolve around me?

I learned to try to be a “good kid”, because my older stepsiblings were all problem children. One of them was an alcoholic in high school. My stepsister broke all of the window locks so that she could sneak back into the house late at night after parties. I tried to get good grades, never cause trouble, never draw attention. When we did family counseling, I kept to myself and did not reveal what was really happening to me. I believed that I would only be loved if I could be “better” (in terms of behavior) than my older siblings.

How did I know never to tell the family secrets and why?

I believe my abuser was quite clear about not revealing my abuse. Later, as I got older, he resorted to gifts to bribe me to keep my mouth shut. That left me feeling like a prostitute, which made me ever more ashamed.

Where did I learn to behave in neglectful and/or abusive ways that are intellectually, emotionally, physically, sexually and/or spiritually harmful?

I learned to make myself, and my needs, very very small. I learned to not rock the boat. I learned to people please.

Where did I learn to express these behaviors which are often communicated in the extremes from silence to violence? How did I learn to allow them to be expressed toward me?

I knew I was less important to my dad than his other children; I knew I was less important to my stepdad than his other children. I learned to accept silently my abuse, because I was afraid telling someone would result in me or my mom being rejected. It was perhaps my first instance of being codependent, to put my own needs aside in favor of protecting my mom’s marriage.

Where and how did I learn that having a relationship would make me whole?

This I’m not sure about. Maybe from watching my mom when she married the second time? I just know that, early on, from age 9 or so, I wanted to be in a relationship.

Did I learn these things through others’ words or actions’? If so, whose?

It must have been from watching my mom. I can’t think of anyone else I was close to who had a period of not being in a relationship.

How had I come to survive life through codependent behaviors rather than living life through a sense of freedom?

By the time I was 11, my feelings had calcified into deeply codependent personality values. I remember playing a game called Ultima IV, where you started off speaking to a fortune teller, who would pose ethical questions for you to decide between two different values. Routinely, I always opted for honesty, compassion, humility and sacrifice. The last three, I think, were deeply rooted in my codependence.

What are my true feelings about all of these questions?

Sadness, I guess. I’m sad for the little kid who shouldered all these burdens when he didn’t have to, and for myself who is alone and unhappy now because of relationships hurt by my codependence.