I feel like I have to respond to this. Professor Neil is absolutely right about how creepy this video is. (To be honest, I haven’t disagreed with any of his takes that I’ve seen yet.) Seriously, this is far from the most romantic thing in the world for most guys. I hope.
But there is a kernel of truth here that I think could have been expressed better (sooo much better!). I’m going to generalize a bit here, but men — really, all people — have a need to be desired by their partner. We want to be wanted. And the truth is that many men conflate that with sex.
People love and want sex — that’s almost universal. But the message of the video isn’t about having sex; it’s about the female partner expressing their desire for sex to the male partner. This satisfies the need in a man to feel wanted. (While this video is from the male standpoint, I think it absolutely could be applied to the female standpoint as well.) I will agree that every partner should recognize that we need to express our love, desire and appreciation for our person. Meeting this basic human need is vital for every relationship, and we should recognize it in our partners and provide it ideally before they need to ask.
But the reality is, we often don’t feel the energy or interest in sex. That doesn’t mean we don’t want our partner, it’s just a reflection that we are tired or sick or stressed or otherwise distracted. Women often are in the position of taking care of the household and kids, sometimes even on top of working a job themselves. It’s no wonder that they might not have the libido to take care of their partner all the time.
That’s okay. As men, we should be aware and alert to our partner and their energy level. We should not ask them to give more than they can at any given moment. If we want our wife’s or girlfriends to be loving and sexy and romantic with us, we need to make sure we are doing enough in the partnership to give them the space to.
Take care of a chore you don’t normally. Put the kids to bed so your wife can have a break and quiet time for herself tonight. Order dinner so that no one has to cook. Clean the table afterwards. Do the dishes.
Even better, give your partner a day off to rest and relax. Book them a spa day. Send them on a solo scavenger hunt to all of their favorite places. Let them sleep in while you get the kids off to school. Take a day off from work and pamper them. Let them have an evening out to decompress with their girlfriends.
Those are all ideas which will almost certainly get your partner in the mood more than passive aggressive videos like the one I’m responding to. Also, try some vulnerability: confess to your partner that you are not feeling desired by them, and that is hurting you. Tell them how important it was to you when they expressed that in the past, how you cherished it and how it made you feel. This is part of being honest and authentic in your relationship.
Always remember, though, and this shouldn’t need to be said but clearly does:
No one, regardless of their existing relationship to you, OWES you sex or even their sexual desire.
If you want your partner to have that sort of desire for you — and for them to express it — you need to look at:
- What could be preventing them from experiencing that desire?
- What could be preventing them from expressing it?
- What can I do to remove obstacles to that?
- What can I do to enable my partner to feel safe, secure and happy enough to allow their natural desire for me to be expressed?
If you can’t answer these questions yourself — and in a healthy relationship, you should be in tune enough with your partner that the answers would be self-evident, then just ask. Your partner would probably be happy to have a chance to talk about it.
All of that said, look — there are times in everyone’s life when we don’t feel like doing the things we normally would. Life gets in the way. Still, we should be aware of our partner’s needs and do the best we can to fulfill them. Sometimes we don’t want to take care of the kids — but we love them, so we do. While I don’t want to advocate performative or “pity” sex, sometimes I recognize my partner is horny, for want of a better term, and because I love them, I get myself in the mood to satisfy their need. There is love and affection in that as well. A relationship sometimes does take work.
So, to sum up:
- Pay attention to your partner’s needs.
- Express your needs openly and honestly.
- Do whatever you can to help your partner find a space where they may return your desire naturally.
- Recognize that sometimes — sometimes — love trumps desire and that you can help satisfy your partner’s desires even if you don’t, at that moment, share them.
- Consent is absolutely mandatory. Sex is not something anyone owes you.
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